The Only Surefire, Easy Way to Get Your Next Job

The election season is heating up and the politicians are looking to secure their next gig. Shouldn’t you get ready to go to work? Oh, right, you don’t have just yet. But you have a full week of interviews lined up! Or maybe you were let go due to company downsizing and are reading up life hacks on how to save on dish washing. No matter your reasoning, you have came across this article in hopes to land your dream job. Guess what, you can! All you have to do is follow these simple tips and every employer in the tri-city area will be knocking on your door. Well, maybe their assistant. And they’d more than likely call you… Forget the door. Keep your phone charged and follow these tips!

Tip 1: Your Resume Should Be a Pretty Piece of Paper

The ATS is just jargon! Let your resume look like you dipped it in Skittles with that cool font you typed the when you were Dungeon Master. You have a nice smile, don’t forget to post that; after all, your profile and your resume is your personal brand. Content is okay but presentation is king.

Tip 2: Apply to Just ONE Type of Job

You’re only one person, after all. When you personalized your resume and made it stand out with all essence of you (ladies, dab some of your favorite perfume), you send it to just one, and I do mean one, type of job. No one likes an over achiever who tries to apply for something that could advance their career. The road less taken has too many bumps.

Tip 3: Fashionably Late is Early!

You got the interview. Told you that awesome resume and applying to the one thing you’re good at pays off! Now your interview is at 10:00 AM, but you live 45 minutes away. DO NOT LEAVE EARLY! If the early bird gets the worm, why is there still worms? You go down to the Nordstrom shop and get you something nice. It will be perfectly understandable if you show up at 10:15 AM as long as you donning something classy and appealing.

Tip 4: Don’t Be A Showoff

Hey, you got an interview, why are you hogging all the spotlight? That individual across the table is in charge of shaking your hand and welcoming to their team or sending your file to a virtual black hole. Ask them about their daily life, or if the cute receptionist is available. Keep to the shadows about your past accomplishments. Yeah you could have performed the tasks of three people, and you could have increased customer loyalty by 200%. Then again, you could only be second place in the company softball team… Don’t be a showoff.

Tip 5: Don’t Follow Up

They got your number, it’s how they contacted you in the first place. You might be annoying them if you follow up. How do you know when you call to thank them they aren’t fighting the urge to run to the bathroom before their next meeting? Or if you send an email, the horror of this. What if their teenage daughter sent them a text because her boyfriend dumped her? Seconds go by like hours to teenagers! Now they have to focus on you and not counsel their angelic baby girl.

Bonus Tip: DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF ALL THIS!

If you have made it this far, I hope you gotten a laugh at the absurdity. If you’re not laughing, I highly advise you to roll your eyes and give the ol’ noggin a shake. I do not, I repeat I do NOT, suggest you doing these steps unless you do the exact opposite. The job hunt is serious but it shouldn’t be scary. Have fun when you’re hunting and remember to follow your heart, not your wallet.

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